Grace's Faces

Wisdom.

"Have regular hours for work and play, make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well.  Then youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life become a beautiful success, in spite of poverty."
                                                                               -Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

Thanksgiving 2010

When I consider how my light is spent,

When I consider how my light is spent,
    Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
    And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
    My true account, lest He returning chide;
    "Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?"
I fondly ask.  But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
    Either man's work or His own gifts.  Who best
    Bear His mild yoke, they serve Him best.  His state
Is kingly: thousands at His bidding speed,
    And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
    They also serve who only stand and wait."
                             -John Milton, c.1652

Since sometime early last summer, I've felt the same words sort of throbbing from my heart.

Make Room.  Make Room. Make Room.

I realize I've already lost some of you.  But there it was still the same.

It didn't lessen.  It increased.  This deep, unclear but persistent ache.  And I didn't know where it would take me.

As the months passed, I've found myself here.  Not only did the ache not die down, but, it grew in depth and clarity.  And became,

Make a Decision.

After several conversations with Jim, who faithfully listened to my spoken thoughts while I fleshed this out, I felt like it was time to just cut to the heart of it and step off  the ledge I am now sure is right before me.

It's official.  I won't be accepting portraiture sessions for 2011, and as far as I can see, the portraiture side of my business has come to a close.

Before you have heart attacks, past clients, you can still order prints at any time in the future- my business, though shifting, is not actually going anywhere.

This decision has brought me quite a bit of heartsickness and debate.  But, I am certain now, this is how I should proceed.  So, though the experience of meeting so many wonderful people and serving them has been incredible, and my portraiture business has run incredibly smoothly, and has been profitable in ways I will miss- both in income and experience- I am bringing it to a close. 

Maturity is knowing that good things are not always best things.  I'm reminding myself that.

This has been decided, but on hold, for about 6 weeks.  And then Jim and I made a solid decision a couple of weeks ago.  Once I'd decided, I didn't know exactly how to proceed- but, I'm done for the year, and the holidays are here, so it's a good time-  quick like a band aid, I'm just doing it. 
I will continue to teach.  Teaching people how to do this for themselves is the direction Full Life is going.  Empowering people, inspiring creativity, troubleshooting problems, opening their creative doors- that's what I'll focus on.  Obviously, my business is going to get incredibly simplified.  But it will be more relational, more free, more flexible- much smaller.  Because I can't find a good reason to maintain a site/ web presence for this, as the work I'll be taking in will decrease dramatically, my business site and blog will close. 

It's very sad to see all of this go.  And I've enjoyed it so much.  To weigh the pros and cons of this business leaves a huge list of pros, very few cons.  It's been ideal, and a privilege.  But there's no peace in moving forward for another year of portraits.  And I've made peace with that. 

And so, simply, I'm done.  I will be teaching classes locally this year.  You'll hear about that on this blog from time to time, and occasionally I'll need models for class- you'll hear about those opportunities too.  I'll also continue to teach my JH and HS students.  I'll also accept many more of the opportunities I had to turn down this year, such as documenting more for The Ransom, and some other opportunities I'd love to make space for and couldn't before.

I am already enjoying the breathing room as I look to the next few months, and though it's been a hard decision, I'm trusting it. 

Nostalgic.

Grace and Patie made this banner in 2008.  And here it is in 2009, and this year,

And last year, they made this neat book, which follows the Mayflower pilgrimage, through the group's first two years- in their own words and illustrations.

I look forward to putting them out year after year after year.

And though they are relatively "new" traditions, they already fill me with nostalgia.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Paper Wreath.

Two or three years ago, Pottery Barn introduced the simple, understated paper wreath in their catalog.  Not for sale, but one of those wonderful, inspirational and simplistic decorating ideas they are famous for.

Of course it ended up in my binder immediately.  And I intended to make some.  At least one.  At some point.  I'm terrible and making things with my hands. 

I even bought this old music book directly afterward in good faith that I'd follow through. 

Now everyone's making them.  And there are tons of variations.  But I want you to know, I was one of the first to want to copy the idea.  Or to intend to copy it.  I just got beaten to the punch by about 100,000 craftier people.

I ripped out the pages

And rolled them.  First in tighter tubes, each secured with scotch tape, then I secured groups of five with...wait for it...staples. 

And I arranged them like so, hot glued to an embroidery hoop from a thrift store.  Also purchased forever ago for this project I have avoided so long.

The flip side [front].

And then, I made larger, looser curls, still securing with tape, and hot glued them randomly, like so...

It's very sturdy.  I ran out of paper, so the end result isn't quite what I wanted, but, it's not bad enough that I'd make another one.  Because that would be a stretch for me.

Narcissus.

We braved cold, cold wind and the late afternoon darkness no one seems to be getting used to last week to head to our local Garden Store for the season's first Paperwhite bulbs. 

I planted two small pots. 

They're coming up nicely now, but I wish they'd hurry up.

My Little Women.

I've been spending

lots of my downtime

reading this book

and eating clementines.

I'm amazed when I read this

as an adult

and a mother.

Because I love it for all

the same reasons but

in so many new ways as well.

And my heart gets warm when

I consider that I now definitely have one

"Meg", one "Beth", and one "Amy" of my very own.

Like PHC for Christian Hipsters

We had a great trip away- even getting away into a Winter Storm, and sloshing around all weekend was worth it.  Actually, though the weather added it's own inconvenient flavor, it was also beautiful-  lots of white snow falling, Christmas music everywhere, cozy coffee shops, and Christmas shopping- it wasn't bad.  I taught, we napped, we ate out, saw a movie, broke out the kids' Wii we'd just bought them (don't tell them.  The blog is still kid-safe territory.  I don't think they read it...), played it in our room until 2 AM, and put it back in the box for Christmas, we slept in, I made some big important business decisions, we did some nothing, Jim watched the Vikings play a terrible game, not to anyone's surprise, while I snagged amazing deals at Anthropologie and Pottery Barn.

It was good.

We also of course caught this.  Actually, as I sat there, I realized it was a lot like A Prairie Home Companion for Christian intellectuals and hipsters.  Lots of Toms, lots of Thirtysomethings.  Music, words.

 

Derek Webb, Sandra McCracken and Robbie Seay & Co delivered as always, and Don Miller read some poetry and shared some great stories. 

It lasted 3 hours, and honestly, it flew by.  I'm so glad we made it.

And now we're home.

Not Wasted.

"...How will we respond to the call, to those whose spirits are crushed by poverty, trauma, and abuse; whose intellect and imagination could lift whole families and villages out of poverty but for the lack of an education; whose bodies are wounded or killed by hunger, disease, and violence?  Prophets throughout Scripture challenge us to raise these questions and to address them with all the resources we have- with our money and our goods, certainly, but also with our intellects, our voices, and our power...How many of us are missing the wave of God's justice?"
                                                                                      - Sarah Dylan Breuer

Our God is a God of justice, beauty, restoration, wholeness.  I want to live and walk with God, with Jim, with our children, making daily choices to see the Kingdom come on Earth- to boldly make choices quite small and sometimes impossibly large to work toward these very things, in strength that never comes from us.  I want to live with clarity and intention, to accept the call to daily live with purpose in the very place we are right now, for such a time as this.  And when I fail in that task, I want to live fully in the grace that allows me to pick up and keep walking, setting me back on course. 

I want my children to see us living awake and alive first, and for them to catch a passion to never, ever throw a day away.

Six and One

"We've all experienced the low-grade despair that comes when our days blend into each other- wake up, eat breakfast, brush teeth, go to school or work or the office, change another diaper, do another load of laundry, write a check, fill a tank, cook a meal and then repeat it all over again the next day.  One day looks like the next, everything starts to feel the same, life starts to feel like the existential equivalent of refrigerator buzz...

...Six days you shall work, but on the seventh, don't.  Why is this so monumental? God gives them rhythm.  But not the rhythm of sound, the rhythm of time.  Life before was an interminable succession of sevens.  Seven, seven, seven.  But now, their time is broken up, measured, arranged with a beat: six and one, six and one, six and one.

God is the God of the groove.

We need rhythm in our time- it's what makes one moment different from another.  It gives shape and color and form to all of life.

- Rob Bell in the article Why We Wait, found here.

I press hard to get rhythm in my own life, and for our children, in the day-to-day.  We really do have it.  Pockets of rest or solitude, pockets for reading, pockets for focused attention, pockets for mundane tasks, pockets for intense learning and pockets for TV. 

That rhythm brings life, but, even it gets a little listless if you do it too long. 

It's hard to get a true Sabbath when you have small children.  Sunday, though purposed as a day of rest, despite my best-laid plans, and even some extra time to spare (which easily fills itself if I don't fight it) and even with a little extra reading, or a little extra family time or, perhaps even some relaxing or a nap fit in- when I break it down, it still looks incredibly similar to the other six.  I've learned to welcome the Sabbath post-children, and do life slower that day- but, let's face it- I've also learned to not get my hopes up.  A lot of Sundays are going to leave me wanting.  It's about my attitude, though.  Keeping hopeful toward a Sabbath, staying intentional and available to rest- day to day, and on Sunday.  And goodness, am I grateful for a season of children in our house.


The past two months have been just crazy.  I'd say, they've been very good, but not always because things have been easy, or simple, or lovely.  But, it hasn't been all terrible either.  But, just a blur.  A blur, and, also just about grinding through the every day duties, pressing on, and when life threw us a curve ball, getting through it- and then keeping on the grind, through busy, through responsibility, through grieving.  It's a season.  And I know that.  And it hasn't been without reward.  But it has been, very much, lacking rest.

I don't see Jim.  Not really.  He leaves in the dark, he returns in the dark.  We eat dinner, I clean up the kitchen (and by the end of that, I've typically been in there for 2-3 hours between prepping, cooking, eating, and cleaning up- and lest I sound bitter, I'll mention, I enjoy it- in theory), he spends time with the kids, takes them to bed, reads and sings and prays with them.  Then Jim comes up stairs, and we sort of look at each other and say, "Hey."  We've both put ourselves out there all day, and now, at the end, our devotion to oneness usually looks like catching up on an episode on Hulu with the dogs before getting ready for bed. If there is anything I need to ask him or talk to him about, I have to write it down, or I will forget by then and regret it the next day-  And at 5 AM, the alarm sounds, and it starts over.

We love each other.  A lot.  We make it a priority to be together- but- I want to see him when I'm mentally clear and have a day's worth of energy, and nothing else to take it from me- so I can spend it all with him.  About once every two weeks or so, we have a really great, long, awesome conversation at night once the kids are in bed- but-  I'd safely call once every two weeks rare.

I'm not complaining.  We both live knowing we've got the exact jobs we're right for, that this is just exactly where we should be.  So there is a way to thrive in it.  We work towards it every day.  It's not so much about arriving at that destination, as it is about the daily journey of getting there.

There is beauty in our daily toil, and ending it exhausted together.  But Jim, I want to see you in the daylight. 

It doesn't happen often- but we do try to stay intentional about getting focused alone time away from our day to day life.  And we're doing that this weekend. 

This has been a weird week.  All kinds of distractions, weird things, discouraging things, out of nowhere things, unexpected bills, and, I've been sick since a week after I was vaccinated.  At first, I was incredibly sick, now, I'm just not getting over it.  People are asking me for things, I have 100 things to do in the next month, we're a full week behind in school after missing so much time while we were travelling for funerals in October, and I need to press on if we'll finish before Christmas and Africa and hopefully get a solid Christmas Break for fun. 

At first, it made me tempted to just drop our trip.  I'd just run up to the city and finish up my workshop, and come back.  When you're sick, you do sort of feel like just giving up.  But yesterday, I read that article above.  And I recognized how much has gone wrong this week, and how very, very needy Jim and I are for total rest.  For time.  Especially if this next season is to be fruitful.  We need to be focused, not distant.

So, I'm rejecting the things that tempt me to get discouraged, I'm doing what needs to be done, I'm going to keep pace, finish the work that has to be finished, and leave the rest to find it's own time to be completed next week.  I'm going to press on, and finish this week strong, though I feel physically weak, and we. are. going. to. arrive. at. rest.

This time away is a gift.  We're supposed to wrap our arms around it.  Jim, I'm 100% ready to do nothing with just you.

20% Smug

Look.  If you don't know about it, now you know.  All K-12 teachers qualify for the Barnes and Noble Educator Discount.  20% off anything in store or online that you could use for your classroom.  And, in my experience, that means just about everything in the store.  I've tested them in this.  And you can combine it with other discounts.

I'm no idiot (I am a teacher, you know). I know why they do this.  It feels so elite to get 20% off anything any day that you choose BN.com over Amazon every time, and make a point to make trips to the store more often than you would have otherwise.  They win, and I win with a card I want to wave in the faces of the poor people who have to pay full price in line.

Bring your pay stub (or if you homeschool your exemption certificate) to your local store and on the spot you'll get a flashy, exclusive card that makes you feel way too cool for school.

On a loosely-related note,

We watched the BBC Life series last week in three days, watching 2 or three episodes at a time after school, and it was exquisite.  Get it at your local library like we did, or buy it here.  We all loved it.  The BN.com price, combined with your slick Educator discount saves you like $24 off the list price you'd get in a store, and you'll get free shipping.  So smug.

Transparency

When I decided to go to Africa about a month ago, and I started telling people, it was slow coming out of my mouth.  I felt a bit like Frank and April in Revolutionary Road, announcing they're moving to Paris- a big, huge, liberating idea that never comes to fruition.  Or, like Bernice, talking and talking about bobbing her hair but never thinking it would actually happen- and when she's forced into it, it's horrible.

I knew from the beginning that I really would go, and I've never just thought it was a good conversation starter to make me seem interesting, but, I still felt like an April or a Bernice just the same. 

You all think in book characters too, right?  Anyone?  Anyone?  And moving on-

I really am going.

This really is an incredible intersection of the things I'm passionate about, the things I'm equipped to do, and the things I need to grow in.  This sounds exactly like the kind of thing we should throw ourselves into.

I was thinking this morning- of all the things people have asked me about, there are really only two main things that cause me a bit of pain in going.  Don't judge.  They'll sound more and more stupid the minute I type them, and the moment you read them. 

1.  Air Travel.

Anne Lamott says it for me,

"My idea of everything going smoothly on an airplane is (a) that I not die in a slow-motion fiery crash or get stabbed to death by terrorists and (b) that none of the other passengers try to talk to me.  All conversation should end at the moment the wheels leave the ground."

And Amen.


2. My Sweet Baby 85.







I've been expecting her for 6 months, waiting, and waiting.  I think about her every day.  Sometimes I click this link and just look at her.

She has to wait.  Africa comes with a price tag.  And, to quote my very kind, logical, and supportive husband, "I don't think that would be a wise purchase right now."

Sigh.

I'm going to be transparent.  I cried a little about it this morning.



But I'm going to be strong, and take heart, and focus on everything else there is to gain- which eclipses these things in a heartbeat.

On Holiday

Jim and I are heading out on holiday this weekend- we've been working hard all fall, and it's coming up at the perfect time- work for me is winding down, and life is closing up a busy fall in anticipation of a grateful Thanksgiving or two with family, the Christmas season, the end of the school semester for the kids, and Africa to close the year.

I've had requests to hold a workshop in the Twin Cities area in the past, and so I was able to make that happen while we're there as well.  I'm always jazzed to meet neat folks and teach.  I promise you, an angel sings every time a new Manual Shooter is born, or, at least, one does in my mind-  An angel who is lit beautifully by the sun- because I firmly believe there is no flash photography in heaven. 

For the four hours I'm teaching in Maple Grove, Jim will snag some WiFi at a Starbucks and eat some snacks or something.  I don't know what he'll do.  But then it's back to just us.  All in all, I'm positive we'll have a great weekend.

We're planning to do as much nothing as possible.  Take walks, drink lots of coffee, read books, avoid retail, and just be.

We're also catching the Love Tells the Story Tour, which I immediately bought us tickets for weeks ago when I heard about it (one of the benefits of NoiseTrade).  If I meet Don Miller and manage to avoid making a total fool of myself, I'll blog about it.

Opportunity in Red.

Just wanted to pass on a great opportunity from Target.com.  These sturdy, quick little basic Nikons are on sale online only- a $139.99 camera for $79, with free shipping.  That means, if you want to be a part of the Cameras for Zambia project, but you don't have a camera to spare, this is an awesome option- and this model is ideal for the kids at camp. 

Also, you can have the camera directly shipped to The Ransom Church, where we're collecting them in preparation for camp in December.  No notes or phone calls required- if a camera shows up in the mail, my friend Lissa the Office Manager will know exactly what to do with it.  If you'd like to include an SD card with the camera, that would be amazing- and if you don't, we'll make sure each camera gets a card before we leave.

If you'd like to ship a camera directly to The Ransom, send it to

The Ransom Church
5209 W 41st St. Suite 101
Sioux Falls, SD 57106
How easy is that???  You don't even have to pack it up and and ship it yourself- it doesn't get easier, right?

Once these cameras get to camp, they'll be used over and over and over again for a long time- and I know it's going to be a huge blessing to these kids- what a fun opportunity to photograph their world and be free and creative- and to know people thousands of miles away sent them because they care.

If you're looking for a way to give with Christmas approaching, this is an awesome opportunity- you can involve your spouse, your kids, your friends and send a camera- then watch the blog- because in January you'll see hundreds of pictures of the actual, real, incredible children who used them- and you'll see some of the shots they took themselves. 

What an awesome way to make Africa tangible- especially for your children.

Bygone.

While we were back at Jim's parents' house last month I took the girls to a Laura Ingalls Wilder museum in Walnut Grove, MN. 

Grace is reading the Little House books this year at our Homeschool Coop.  We now own the series, but I haven't read them since I was in elementary school.  Grace was excited to see Plum Creek, and all of us had fun experiencing the museum- which is really like a tiny interactive "village".

There's a small church (the girls loved this the best and we played in there the longest).  There were pews and a pulpit to stand behind, etc.  It was fun.

The other favorite was the school house.  I know this is all about Laura Ingalls Wilder, but, I, for one, was having major Anne of Green Gables nostalgia flashes.  Frankly, though the Little House books are a part of my regional heritage, they do not hold a candle to my love for Prince Edward Island.  And, my girls are being brought up right on a healthy diet of Avonlea.  I digress.  Back to the school house...

There are neat old things everywhere- Grace had a great time pointing out things from the books.

I don't know what this is.

There were several scenes brought to life from the books.



The girls had a blast trying on tons of outfits.

And then, because of course you exit through the gift shop, we saw a huge selection of clothes etc. for our American Girls.  Since they were right out in the car... the girls dropped big allowance bucks.  We finished up in the store, went out to the van, and traded trendy modern clothes for outfits from a bygone era.  It was fun.  The gift shop lady correctly thought my girls were absolutely adorable.

So THEN, though we'd already been there for 2 hours, we went BACK in through the entrance and Daisy, Emily, and Charlotte went to church, 

and of course school.